


Addiction

by owljustsitinthecorner



Category: Marvel (Comics), X-Factor (Comics)
Genre: 1605 words of julio "rictor" richter feels, M/M, POV Second Person, i dont know how to tag and at this point im to afraid to ask, julio needs to confront his alcoholism, or you will be very confused, please read the author's note before reading the fic, so i'm using a personal headcanon that's sorta turned into an AU to force that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 21:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15203999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owljustsitinthecorner/pseuds/owljustsitinthecorner
Summary: You should not be doing this.No really, this is a very fucking stupid thing to be doing.And yet!Here you are. Laying on the floor. Drunk off your ass. And listening to the same, highly depressing song on repeat.You are a dumbass and you know it.





	Addiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SunlitDarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunlitDarkness/gifts).



> so me and my friend (who i gifted this work to) have been having emotions about Rictor is the Earth's champion kinda how the phoenix force chooses a host. But Rictor thinks he's a mutant so the m-day stuff still very much effects him (magic yo). but alcohol lowers your inhibitions so for a moment he slips through a loophole and then the Earth worries about him.
> 
> the italics are the earth, everything else is Julio thinkin' to himself basically

_You should not be doing this._

 

_No really, this is a very fucking stupid thing to be doing._

 

_And yet!  
_ _Here you are. Laying on the floor. Drunk off your ass. And listening to the same, highly depressing song on repeat._

 

_You are a dumbass and you know it._

 

But that’s not going to change anything right now because right now you are drinking yourself into a stupor chasing a feeling. It was one you used to feel back when you had your powers. You’d get drunk with Tabs, lay on the ground and then you’d feel a sensation of freedom that was unlike any other. As you lay there with inhibitions lowered, you felt your being spread across the earth’s surface. You could feel every inch of it. The needle-like pricks of mines digging out precious metals. The intense exhale of an erupting volcano. The comforting stretch of an earthquake. In those moments of laying drunk on the floor with Tabs’s voice rattling on, her voice a set of vibrations you find comfort in, you become one with the very earth itself. It was a sensation you would chase at every reasonable opportunity.

 

_Which is in no way healthy I might add._

 

But healthy or not, you chased that sensation of being more than a teen with a fucked up history on a fucked team of teen soldiers. In those moments you felt one with the earth and it was a sensation you could equate with total freedom. It wasn’t the same as walking barefoot on bare earth, that was like taking a moment to reconnect with yourself. It was a buzzing bass beat that started in your toes and traveled up until it became a white noise that could temporarily drown out the here and now.

But laying on the floor, drunk, inhibitions lowered?

In those moments you were truly free.

 

_But then SHE had to go and mess everything up with chaos magic._

 

And suddenly you felt nothing. You were numb, and trapped in your own skin, covered in invisible scars from everything that had happened ever since you were taken. And walking barefoot on bare earth did nothing, so you chased a sensation. You got drunk and stayed drunk and nothing changed because you got _depowered._ You drank every form of alcohol you could lay your hands on chasing a sensation that you knew you wouldn’t find because you had this blind hope that maybe if you got just drunk enough, you could maybe feel a brief moment of that freedom again. Maybe, just maybe, you could feel the way the rain hits the desert floor, beating out the muscle knots in your shoulders. Maybe you could feel the way the water flows in rivers in creeks, like letting go tears full of toxins and chemicals built up after so long. Maybe, just maybe, if you got drunk enough you could feel whole again.

 

_But some silly misconceptions about who you are got in the way._  

_So here you are. Laying on the floor. Drunk off your ass. Listening to the same, highly depressing song on repeat._

  _Like a damn dumbass._

 

But you do feel it again. You can feel the monsoon in Arizona, the rivers flowing through the Amazon, the way the rockslides fall in India. Or is it someone nudging your shoulder playfully? Or are you crying? Or is there something pushing tension out of your shoulders? You feel one with the earth and have no body, but at the same time you do have a body. The feeling is ethereal and as you let out a rushing breath you smile. Or was that a volcano erupting? At this point it doesn’t matter because you feel free again. The snow in the north wraps around you like a blanket, cooling down the usual fire of your personality. The way the sun hits ground in Mexico warms your chest, spreading from your heart to fill your lungs. The way the ocean laps at the coasts feels like a gentle hand stroking through your hair and you know for a fact that you’re crying now but you can’t fucking help it.

 

_You missed feeling this close. You missed it so much it aches. But you cannot keep doing this to yourself. This is not how you live. You must do better for yourself. You are loved deeply and it hurts those who love you to know what you do to yourself. Chasing this only hurts you, Julio. And it hurts so much to know you do this to yourself._

_With everything that has happened there is a disconnect. You are no longer what you were always meant to be because you think you know who you are. But you do not. There is no time to change your mind. You are already slipping back to that silly little misconception of yourself. Just know this._

_You are loved. You are cared for. You are protected._

_Even when you are just another face in the crowd, unseen, you are loved deeply._

_Please stop chasing this feeling, you will destroy yourself, and that is painful to even consider._

 

“Julio?”

And just like that it’s over, and this time you can feel the tears on your face, they aren’t rivers or creeks. They are just tears. The sunlight in the window means that you fell asleep and it was all just a fucking dream.

You tilt your head back, stretching out your neck, to stare at Shatterstar in the doorway. He’s upside down from this angle, and that seems right, because he tends to turn the world on its head. The light coming around him from the hallway, however, can kindly fuck off. You’re hungover and don’t want to deal with things like _light_ or _noise_ but ‘Star pushes the door open more. So you squeeze your eyes shut and damn the tears that fall because of it.

There are hands that pull you up, and you stumble as he forces you to stand. Your back is to him and he gently turns you around, hands resting on your shoulders. You slowly open your eyes and squint at him, wincing from the pain and the shame.

He looks so damned concerned and you feel like shit because that’s your fault. You have to look away from him because facing that look is too much. You made him worry about you again and you hate that. You got drunk, passed out, and had the best worst dream ever and you made him worry and it feels like shit. And you have this brief moment of _that’s a good thing because now you can let him take care of you for once_ and it’s such a nasty tone that you flinch inside because it’s such a manipulative thing to do. You don’t want to be that person. But you know you kinda are because of this thing you didn’t want to face called _addiction._

He moves one hand up to your face, gently, oh so fucking gently like he’s afraid of _breaking_ you, turns your face to look at him again. And you feel fucking _pissed_ now because you _know_ you’re weak but you don’t need another fucking reminder.

But yanking away is a bad idea because you are so fucking _hungover_ , so one second your stepping back, ready to spit out angry words, and the next you feel like you’re falling and you hate it because falling means you’re too far away from the ground.

But the sensation stops before you hit the ground, and now Star is holding you in his arms bridal style. And that is a bit of a blow to your own ego that he is even able to do so.

And you feel him moving towards the door, and moments before he swings it open with one foot you manage to shut your eyes. But that doesn’t keep out all the light so you just groan and shove your face into his neck, arms wrapped tightly around your stomach as it churns. He goes up the steps from the basement so slowly, careful to keep you from jostling too much. And you take a moment to consider your drunken dream. _You are loved. You are cared for._

You have to give your subconscious props for accuracy. Star is treating you gently because right now you’re just a hungover mess and he doesn’t want to make it worse, not because he thinks you’re breakable. He _cares_ about you. And that takes more than just a moment to really sink in. _You are cared for._

The feeling of being loved washes over you and you try to cling to him when he sets you down on the bed you share together. But he easily slips from your grasp, and calmly leaves the room. You have only a moment to consider _he’s leaving you forever because you’ve become too much to deal with_ before he’s back with a glass of water and some advil.

After you finish the glass he climbs into bed with you, turns you towards him, pulls you close, tucks you in under his chin, and holds you. When the humming starts you feel a few silent tears slip out, because this is the closest you get to having your powers again. Feeling the same vibrations as everyone else without the same heightened awareness you used to have. You burrow closer into his chest, chasing the way his bones seem to vibrate along with his voice, and you hold on tight.

_You are loved. You are cared for. You are protected._

**Author's Note:**

> dear mo,  
> you used my own "julio has a deeper connection to the earth than he even realizes" to make me feel emotions, and managed to stumble upon exactly how my belief system works in the process. so now i must make you feel emotions.
> 
> dear everyone else,  
> blame mo, and also kinda me because im projecting my own issues with addiction onto julio


End file.
